Unpacking Fawning, ADHD, and the search for self worth

As parents, we strive to equip our children with the tools to navigate the world confidently. We shower them with love, highlight their strengths, and build them up, hoping they'll internalize their inherent worth. 

But what happens when our child, despite all our efforts, struggles to believe in themselves, resorting to "fawning" behaviors and adopting a "everything about me sucks" attitude?

I've seen this firsthand with my middle child, my son. At times, he defaults to a dramatic "everyone hates me and I suck" outlook. I can usually tell the difference between a legitimate episode and one that's just attention-seeking. My kids know I'm quite sarcastic and have a very low tolerance for negative self-talk. I'm constantly reassuring them of their good qualities and praising them regularly where praise is due. 

Having grown up in a family where any form of positive feedback was scarce, I know how important it is for children to know they're loved, appreciated, and, above all, important. What truly scares me is how quickly my son compromises himself and his values and needs for others. I've seen it with his sisters, trying to give his younger, very dramatic sister (aka Her Royal Majesty) anything she wants to placate her, just to stop the onslaught of devastated tears that she somehow has readily on hand (for no particular reason). But even more concerning, I'm now noticing it when I watch his interactions with his friends. He'll pretend to share his friends' likes in TV shows or sports, often getting caught out in the lie, which I invariably save him from with a lie of my own. I know it's not right, but watching my son flounder is something I just can't handle. 

We've had the discussion about how real friends like you for who you are. We've gone through his many, many positive attributes and why he doesn't need to pretend he's anything other than what he is. Yet this fawning and need to be liked by all remains.

The Fawn Response: A Bid for AcceptanceThis tendency to compromise oneself, often seen as fawning, is deeply troubling to witness as a parent. My son's attempts to appease his sister or feign interest in his friends' hobbies are clear examples. This isn't just about being polite; it's a desperate plea for acceptance, a willingness to erase his own preferences to avoid conflict or rejection.

ADHD, Insecurity, and the Pretense of Self. This persistent need to be liked and the tendency to mask one's true self can be deeply rooted in feelings of insecurity, often amplified in children who may be struggling with conditions like ADHD. Children with ADHD often face unique challenges that can impact their self-esteem. They might struggle with impulsivity, inattention, or hyperactivity, leading to difficulties in school or social settings. These challenges, when not understood or adequately supported, can foster a sense of being "different" or "not good enough." They may internalize negative feedback, or even perceived negative reactions, from peers and adults. This can lead to a desperate desire for acceptance, prompting them to adapt their personalities, likes, and dislikes to fit in.

The "woe is me" attitude, while sometimes attention-seeking, can also stem from a genuine place of frustration and low self-worth. If a child consistently feels like they're falling short or struggling to meet expectations, they might retreat into a victim mentality as a way to cope with their perceived failures.When our children feel insecure about who they are, they may resort to pretending to be someone else. This isn't necessarily a malicious act; rather, it's often a coping mechanism born from a fear of rejection. They might believe that their authentic self isn't good enough to earn the love and acceptance they crave. They create a "mask" – a version of themselves they believe others will find more palatable.

However, this cycle is self-defeating. When our child constantly pretends, they not only risk being "caught out," but they also deprive themselves of the genuine connection that comes from being truly seen and accepted. The fear of exposure can lead to heightened anxiety and further diminish their confidence. My instinct to "save" my son from floundering, while understandable, inadvertently reinforces the idea that his true self isn't acceptable and needs to be hidden.

Nurturing Authentic Confidence: Practical Strategies Breaking this cycle requires a multi-faceted approach. 

Here are some actionable ideas to help your child overcome these behaviors and embrace who they truly are: 

* Understanding the Roots: If you're witnessing fawning behavior and deep-seated insecurity in your child, exploring underlying factors like ADHD with a professional can be incredibly beneficial. A diagnosis can provide clarity and unlock strategies for managing challenges and building confidence. Consider a comprehensive evaluation to rule out or confirm ADHD or other co-occurring conditions that might be impacting your child's self-perception. 

* Emphasizing Unconditional Acceptance: While we praise good behavior, it's equally crucial to communicate unconditional love and acceptance for who our children are, flaws and all. This means creating a safe space where they feel comfortable being vulnerable and making mistakes without fear of judgment. 

  * Actionable Tip: Regularly tell your child, "I love you just for being you," regardless of their actions or achievements. When they make a mistake, focus on the behavior, not on labeling them as "bad."

 * Building True Self-Worth: Help your child identify and celebrate their unique strengths and passions. Encourage them to pursue activities they genuinely enjoy, fostering a sense of accomplishment and self-efficacy that is independent of others' opinions.  

 * Actionable Tip: Create a "Strengths Jar" where you and your child can write down and collect positive qualities or achievements. Read them together regularly. Encourage them to try new hobbies or activities based on their interests, not what their friends are doing. 

* Teaching Social Skills and Boundaries: Help your child understand healthy social dynamics, including the concept of boundaries and how to assert their needs respectfully. Role-playing scenarios can be helpful for practicing these skills. 

  * Actionable Tip: Practice saying "no" or "I don't really like that" in a safe home environment. Discuss scenarios where they might feel pressured and brainstorm polite ways to decline or express their own preferences. For example, "You can say, 'That sounds fun for you, but I'd rather do X.'"

 * Modeling Authenticity: As parents, our own actions speak volumes. By demonstrating self-acceptance and a willingness to be our authentic selves, we provide a powerful example for our children.   

* Actionable Tip: Share your own experiences of trying to fit in or feeling insecure in the past, and how you learned to be true to yourself. Talk about your own unique quirks or interests that might not be universally popular, but which you value. 

* De-escalating the "Woe Is Me": While acknowledging feelings, avoid inadvertently reinforcing the victim mentality.   

* Actionable Tip: When your child adopts the "woe is me" approach, empathize with their feelings but quickly pivot to problem-solving or reframing. Instead of "Oh, you're so right, everyone hates you," try, "I hear you're feeling really down. What's one small thing we could do right now to make things a little better?" or "Remember that time when you [insert a positive quality or achievement]?" 

* Empowering Honest Communication: Gently challenge the tendency to lie to fit in, without shaming.  

 * Actionable Tip: When you notice a lie or a pretense, have a private, calm conversation later. "I noticed you told your friend you love that show, but I know you don't usually watch it. What was going on there? It's okay if you don't like everything your friends like. Real friends will still like you for who you are." Explain that lying, even with good intentions, can damage trust.

 * Building a Strong Inner Circle: Encourage and facilitate friendships with children who genuinely appreciate your child's authentic self.  

 * Actionable Tip: Pay attention to your child's friendships. Are there friends who seem to genuinely enjoy your child for who they are, without judgment or pressure to conform? Support and encourage those connections. Perhaps invite those friends over for activities your child genuinely enjoys. 

* Seek Professional Support: If these behaviors are persistent and significantly impacting your child's well-being, consider seeking guidance from a child psychologist or therapist. They can provide tailored strategies and support for both the child and the family. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be particularly effective in helping children identify and challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms.Ultimately, helping our children shed the masks they wear and embrace their true selves is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and unwavering support. It's about fostering an environment where they know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are loved, appreciated, and important, exactly as they are.What strategies have you found most effective in helping your child feel more secure in who they are?