Co-Parenting with a Narcissist as a Single Mother

By Andrea Grant 

For single mothers co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner, the challenges extend far beyond typical post-divorce adjustments. The insidious nature of narcissism often means a constant battle for consistency, emotional stability, and effective discipline for their children. 

I often feel like I have to re-discipline my kids, especially my youngest daughter, Georgia (aged 7), every time she comes back from her father’s house. When she is with her dad, meltdowns mean getting what she wants. Crying means a sibling must hand over whatever toy or object it is that Georgia desires and cleaning up after herself is not required at all. These are not just my judgements; this has been related to me by my older children, who obviously find it both unfair and mildly infuriating. 

These different approaches to parenting make “reintegration” after every second weekend or holiday incredibly difficult, and confusing for my children. 

This is particularly true when children have neurodiverse needs, demanding even greater structure and specialized approaches. My elder children, Olivia and Harrison are both on the spectrum. Harrison has ADHD and needs a firm disciplinarian but a soft touch. Olivia presents with PDA and needs rules and routines, as well as respect. They do not receive these things on their weekends with their father. 

This has resulted in Olivia (14) opting out of a relationship with her father as, to make a long story short, she has expressed that she feels as if he does not understand her. She is not wrong. Countless courses in PDA and workshops and other resources have been made available to him, but these are work, and so they have been ignored. 

My son, a fawner and a lovely child, craves attention and needs to be liked by all around him. As a result, he is often clowning around in class and getting into trouble. I am the one who must navigate this and try to find solutions as it is not adequately addressed by his father – who believes in punitive measures that have never been successful with any of our children. 

The Dynamics of Co-Parenting with Narcissism Co-parenting with a narcissist is inherently complex. Narcissistic individuals often prioritize their own needs and desires above all else, including their children's well-being. This can manifest as inconsistent parenting styles, undermining the other parent's authority, emotional manipulation, and a lack of accountability. 

As Psychology Today highlights in various articles on the subject, a key strategy is disengagement and parallel parenting. This approach minimizes direct interaction and emotional reactivity, creating a more stable environment for the children. 

Building Consistency Amidst Disparity A significant hurdle for single mothers in these situations is the stark difference in discipline approaches between households. While one parent strives for structure and routine, the narcissistic parent may engage in permissive or chaotic parenting, leading to confusion and dysregulation for the children. 

This inconsistency is particularly detrimental for children with neurodiverse needs such as ADHD or autism, who thrive on predictability and clear boundaries. Resources like Parenting for Brain (www.parentingforbrain.com) emphasize the critical role of predictability, clear expectations, and positive reinforcement for all children, but especially those with ADHD and autism. Implementing visual schedules, establishing consistent routines, and utilizing token economy systems (as discussed on platforms like ADDitude Magazine - www.additudemag.com) can create a stable environment within the primary caregiver's home. These strategies help children understand expectations and consequences, fostering a sense of security even when the other parent's approach is erratic. 

The Child Mind Institute (www.childmind.org) reinforces this, stating that children benefit immensely from having at least "one consistent, loving adult who sets boundaries and provides a predictable environment." The goal is not to control the other parent's actions, but to provide a strong, stable foundation within the primary caregiver's home that can buffer the negative effects of the other parent's inconsistency. 

This is what I try very hard to do. Overcoming the Guilt of Single Parenthood The emotional toll of co-parenting with a narcissist, particularly as the sole primary caregiver for neurodiverse children, can be immense. 

Guilt is a common and often overwhelming emotion. The feeling of being solely responsible for managing every aspect of the children's lives—from therapy appointments and educational needs to emotional regulation—can lead to significant parental burnout. 

Olivia has currently been admitted to the clinic for the second time due to emotional burn out. I am the one who visits her, I am the one who has to co-regulate her, I am her emotional support system. I am trying to remind myself that I AM doing my best in these very challenging circumstances, but it is very stressful, and I have found that seeking external support is paramount. I attend my own support groups, but I also run regular workshops to help support parents and teachers with children on the spectrum. I am constantly studying and researching the ever-changing world of neurodiversity, not just so that I can be better edified, but also so that I can be a more supportive and empathetic teacher and parent. 

Navigating co-parenting with a narcissistic ex while raising neurodiverse children demands resilience and strategic action. By focusing on consistent parenting, utilizing appropriate communication tools, and prioritizing self-care and external support, single mothers can create a stable, nurturing environment for their children and mitigate the negative impacts of an often-challenging co-parenting dynamic.