Beyond punishment: why Collaborative approaches are key for neurodiverse children

As an educator with two decades of experience and a parent myself, I've witnessed firsthand the profound impact of different disciplinary approaches on children. Over my 20 years in the classroom and at home with my own children, one truth has become abundantly clear: punitive discipline simply does not work for children on the autism spectrum, especially for those with a profile of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). In fact, it often exacerbates challenges, leading to increased stress, anxiety, and a breakdown of trust.

For neurotypical children, traditional discipline might involve consequences designed to deter undesirable behavior. However, for children on the spectrum, and particularly those with PDA, these methods often backfire. 

The core of effective discipline with PDA is not about control, but about collaboration. It’s an exhausting journey, to be sure, but securing your child's 'buy-in' is absolutely paramount.Why Punitive Approaches Miss the MarkResearch consistently supports the ineffectiveness of punitive discipline for autistic children. 

According to the Child Mind Institute, autistic children often struggle with understanding abstract social rules and predicting consequences in the same way neurotypical children do. Punishments, therefore, can feel arbitrary and unfair, leading to confusion, meltdowns, and a feeling of being misunderstood rather than a change in behavior.

For children with PDA, the impact is even more pronounced. PDA is understood as a profile on the autism spectrum characterized by an extreme avoidance of everyday demands and expectations, driven by an anxiety-based need for control. 

When faced with punitive measures, a child with PDA perceives it as another demand, triggering their inherent need to resist. This isn't defiance in the traditional sense; it's an anxiety response. As explained by the PDA Society, attempts to enforce demands through punishment can lead to an escalation of challenging behaviors as the child strives to regain a sense of autonomy and safety. This can manifest as meltdowns, shutdowns, or even aggressive outbursts, none of which are conducive to learning or growth.

The Power of Collaboration and ConnectionMy own experience, both as a teacher and a parent, has solidified my belief in the power of strong, honest relationships. I focus on establishing deep connections with my children, always being transparent about my feelings. Whether it's my reaction to their behavior or simply how I'm feeling as a person, I share it openly. Crucially, I ensure they know that their feelings are incredibly valuable and important. This reciprocal honesty builds a foundation of trust that is essential for collaborative problem-solving.

For many children on the spectrum, connecting with their own physicality and identifying internal emotions can be a significant hurdle. This is where we need to lose old societal conventions and get creative. Instead of asking "How do you feel?", which can be too abstract, we can find alternative strategies. For example, using visual aids like pictures of different emotions can be incredibly helpful. Alternatively, descriptive words can provide a bridge to understanding. Instead of saying "Are you angry?", we might ask "Do you feel hot inside?" or "Do you feel prickly, like a cactus?" for anger. These tangible descriptions can help children on the spectrum to identify and articulate their internal states.

What is Collaborative Discipline?Collaborative approaches to discipline focus on working with the child, rather than imposing rules on them. It's about understanding the root cause of challenging behavior and finding solutions together. This approach shifts the focus from punishment to problem-solving, empathy, and skill-building.

Here are some examples of collaborative approaches: * Understanding the "Why": Instead of immediately reacting to a behavior, try to understand what's triggering it. Is it sensory overload? Anxiety? A lack of understanding? For instance, if a child is throwing toys, instead of immediately giving a timeout, you might ask, "Are your hands feeling wiggly and you need to move them?" and then offer an alternative like squeezing a stress ball. * 

Choice and Flexibility: For children with PDA, offering choices within boundaries is crucial. Instead of "You must do this now," try, "Would you like to do this task before or after you play?" or "We need to go to the shop. Would you like to walk or ride in the stroller?" This gives them a sense of control and reduces the demand. 

* Problem-Solving Together: When a conflict arises, sit down with your child and discuss it. "It seems like you're having a hard time with X. What do you think would help?" This empowers them to be part of the solution and fosters a sense of responsibility. For example, if getting ready for school is a daily battle, you might create a visual schedule together, allowing them to choose the order of some tasks.

 * Pre-emptive Strategies: Anticipate potential triggers and work with your child to develop strategies. If loud noises are overwhelming, introduce noise-cancelling headphones. If transitions are difficult, use visual timers or provide clear warnings before a change.Embracing New Norms for Peace and Well-beingWe often hold onto idealized notions of family life – daily dinner at the table, for instance. In a perfect world, this would be lovely. However, if forcing a child on the spectrum, especially one with PDA, to participate in a family dinner means stress and trauma for all involved, then it's time to re-evaluate. Separate eating routines, noise-cancelling headphones, or even having dinner on the couch while listening to a calming audiobook, are not just acceptable; they are often the first prize. They prioritize the child's well-being and, by extension, the peace of the entire household.

Ultimately, effective discipline for children on the spectrum, particularly those with PDA, is not about breaking their spirit or forcing compliance. It's about building bridges of understanding, fostering genuine connection, and collaborating to create an environment where they feel safe, valued, and empowered to thrive. It's exhausting, yes, but the long-term benefits of a trusting relationship and a truly understood child are immeasurable.